Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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