Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
