one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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