dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
