She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
