oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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