It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
