I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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