ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
