im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
