On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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