3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
