Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
