That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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