He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
