just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
