My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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