Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Four minutes until I can fart!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
