I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
