Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
