Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
