But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
