I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
