when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
