Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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