he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
