You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
