if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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