after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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