you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
