mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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