I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
