What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
