Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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