I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
