When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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