i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
