I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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