She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
