How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We don't watch enough power rangers
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
