What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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