Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
