Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
