My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
