My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
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Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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