She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
