My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
