the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
