I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
