pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
