I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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