Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
