so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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