hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
